This is a poem I wrote around two months ago when I had a major crush on one of my friends, who is also one of my coworkers. Now, I don’t have feelings for him anymore. He has a girlfriend, and we’re not really close anymore (not by any fault of mine, but by him being a bad and unreliable friend). But I like this poem, and it captures what I was feeling at the height of my romantic feelings for him. Much of it is dramatic because I figured out later on that the feelings I had for him weren’t very deep at all and may have come as a result of boredom or loneliness, but I still think the poem does a good job of translating my surprise when I figured out I had feelings beyond friendship for him. Some of it is a bit rough, but I did my best. Here it is:
Also, sorry that it’s all mashed together. I put spaces to create sections, but it isn’t translating with WordPress.
Just a short poem about my current (and seemingly everlasting) frustrations.
My big problem
I just want to be wanted
My even bigger problem
I just want to be wanted by someone I want to want me
My biggest problem
Fantasy and reality just never match up
This is just going to be a short post because it’s the last day of August, and I need a blog post… So, the only updates I really have are that I’m going to work at Epcot’s Food and Wine Festival in a couple of weeks. I’m pretty excited about that. It’ll be a nice change of pace and location for two months. Also, for the past month (maybe even over that), I’ve been being scheduled six days a week, so I’m pretty tired…but the money’s good! Anyway, my location still sucks, but the people I work with are still awesome. And…that’s about it. Here’s to probably my shortest blog post ever because of my lack of time to watch dramas and write about them.
I’ve been recently plagued with my recurring friend, Depression, and being away from home has just made it worse. I’m not one of those people that believes depression is just something you can wish away or something that goes away if you change your mindset. I’ve struggled with it for eight years now, and even when I am at my happiest, depression is always there to remind me that I’ll never be completely free of it.
Now, I say all this because although I do not believe that depression will just go away with the snap of the fingers, I do believe that there are ways to minimize its effects. Two things I have always struggled with since the nightmare that was high school are caring too much about what other people think and comparing myself with others. Yesterday, I decided that I was just going to stop caring what others thought about me (or at least try my hardest to) and stop comparing myself with others, checking myself if I ever did. And you know what? Yesterday I actually felt happy for the first time since I’ve come to Florida.
Before I get started with the actual post, I thought I’d share a humorous poetry video because this guy really hits the nail on the head of what it is like living with social anxiety.
I’ve never been formally diagnosed (if you actually can be, that is) of having social anxiety disorder. A couple of years ago, I realized that the way I felt about certain social situations and people was not normal, so I searched on the internet and found something called Social Anxiety Disorder. This seemed to be what I had, though mine is perhaps a bit different from the norm. So, I’m just going to list off some common triggers–that I pulled from this website: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder-and-social-phobia.htm–and then explain how mine are either the same or different.