The First Guy to Change My Mind

This is a poem I wrote around two months ago when I had a major crush on one of my friends, who is also one of my coworkers. Now, I don’t have feelings for him anymore. He has a girlfriend, and we’re not really close anymore (not by any fault of mine, but by him being a bad and unreliable friend). But I like this poem, and it captures what I was feeling at the height of my romantic feelings for him. Much of it is dramatic because I figured out later on that the feelings I had for him weren’t very deep at all and may have come as a result of boredom or loneliness, but I still think the poem does a good job of translating my surprise when I figured out I had feelings beyond friendship for him. Some of it is a bit rough, but I did my best. Here it is:

Also, sorry that it’s all mashed together. I put spaces to create sections, but it isn’t translating with WordPress.

The First One to Change My Mind

When I first met you

I thought you were quiet

I complimented your name

You thought it was strange

 

We soon became friends

I made sure to be cautious

Physical attraction wasn’t there

So I maintained a slight distance

 

. . . Just in case. . .

 

Still I thought you were cool and fun and funny

Our breaks together were the best

We could never find time to hang out

But that didn’t stop us from trying

 

Two months passed

Schedules changed

Now I hardly saw you

 

I missed talking to you

Laughing with you

Teasing you

 

I missed the way you smiled at me

Poked me

Teased me

 

. . .Still, we were just friends. . .

 

One day, I remember, I was waiting for your text

Looking forward to your text

Because you were a friend

A friend I hadn’t seen in a while

A friend that I missed

 

One day, I recall, I messaged you something funny

I freaked out a little

Afraid you would think it was weird

But we were just friends

Why would it be weird?

 

I thought feelings might now exist

But that couldn’t be possible

 I just hadn’t seen your face in a while

I just missed you, my friend

 

When I saw you again

My heart beat a little faster

We said hello and goodbye

Not a long interaction

Still just a friend

But again I waited

 

. . .Something was wrong with me. . .

I recalled the way I felt no physical attraction

The way I cringed at the thought of holding you

Kissing you

Being intimate with you

 

A few days later

We met again

A little longer this time

I couldn’t help but stare

 

Where was the friend from last month?

Who was this person right here?

Teasing me with a handsome face

A sexy voice

A gorgeous smile

 

Those skinny arms and legs

Now, I hardly noticed them

Your pale skin and rosy cheeks

Now, they were things of beauty

 

. . .What was wrong with me?. . .

 

You were no longer just a friend

No longer a person with whom I could feel fully comfortable

I had feelings for you

And they wouldn’t simply go away

 

Now I find myself missing the time before

The time before I couldn’t stop thinking about you

Before I worried what you thought about me

Before I wanted more

 

You haven’t changed one bit

Your smile is the same

Your laugh is the same

Even that small twinkle in your eye that appears when you’re teasing

It’s all the same

 

But now I’m different

I hide it as best I can

Always afraid I’m not trying hard enough

 

I constantly think of confessing

But what would that mean for our friendship?

The friendship I cherish

The friendship I love

The friendship I’ve come to enjoy

 

You never cease to confuse me

With your jokes

And flirtatiousness

And the way you call me “fam”

 

I know that you like me

Enjoy being with me

Have fun teasing me

And that that’s where it stops

 

And although you don’t know it

Because I always bring up others

You are the only one I notice

 

I try to force attraction

To feel less lonely, pathetic

And to think of you less

 

But at the end of the day

I only think about you

I only want you

I only see you

 

And those rare days that I’ve awoken with a new resolve

The resolve that you’re not the only one for me

You smile at me

My heart comes alive

And I’m trapped

 

You know nothing of this

I hope you know nothing of this

And you may never know

The special place you have in my heart

 

. . .Because. . .

 

You’re not the first guy that I’ve wanted

You’re not the first guy that I’ve liked

But in spite of all that, you are the first guy to have changed my mind

 

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