People seem to think that just because I am someone who rarely shows what I feel on my face and because I am calm and slow to anger that I don’t have feelings, that I don’t get angry–that I don’t hurt.
Nothing could be further from the truth. These people will never know just how much they hurt me and just how much chaos, confusion, and sadness is churning inside of me. No, I don’t get stressed easily. No, I don’t hold grudges. Chances are, if I’m angry at you in the dark of night, when I wake up in the morning, my anger will have dissipated. I can’t help it, that’s just the way I am. . .
Keeping my feelings tucked neatly inside is also just the way I am. No, I am not the type of person who lets those feelings fester until they eat through my heart, bones, and skin and finally burst forth with a wrathful vehemence leaving all those who are witness to it hurt, frustrated, and angry. I have many ways to vent my frustrations, to relieve my stress, to help me temporarily forget about my loneliness. Reading the bible, praying, singing, playing the piano, playing the guitar, writing, walking, talking to myself–God has blessed me with so many ways with which I can relieve my aching heart without affecting those around me negatively.
Yes, I do have feelings. Yes, I do get hurt. Yes, I cry alone in my room when the pain of loneliness is so great that the only way I can keep myself from diving into a deep, dark depression is by letting the tears flow and my body shake with the immense sorrow of my heart.
I will never change. God made me this way for a reason. Although I am not sure of his specific reasoning, I know he made me this way for something in the future. But to those people who think that I and everybody else in the world like me do not have feelings just because we are reserved and perhaps even introverted: you are wrong. And your ignorance, your indifference only makes us fold further into ourselves. Just because I am not like you, just because I am not like the other people in your small world, doesn’t mean I am a robot. I am hurting. Always, I am hurting.